With the holidays upon us, connection and celebration fill the air, and along with it can come stress, guilt, and overgiving. I remember when my kids were young, the expectation was for our family to be on both sides of the family on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, with a 90-minute commute from one house to the other. We had a very cranky family by the end of Christmas day. After a couple of years of trying to please everyone, we finally set some boundaries.
It was important to us to enjoy time with each side but not at the expense of our family’s peace. We set up a rotating schedule and kept some time for us to be home together. The first year was challenging as we got some pushback from siblings and parents who were used to the prior schedule, but things settled down, and we had a much more enjoyable holiday.
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When the family group chat lights up with holiday plans, and your stomach drops. Someone’s already volunteered you to host. Your mother-in-law assumes you’re staying the whole week. Your brother expects you’ll chip in for the expensive group gift. And somehow, you’re supposed to attend five different gatherings in three days. Your stress levels begin climbing.
The holidays bring joy, connection, and celebration. They also bring expectations, obligations, and a whole lot of boundary testing. Between family dynamics, financial pressures, time demands, and that familiar urge to keep everyone happy, it’s easy to lose track of your own needs. You may find yourself overextended, resentful, and exhausted by January.
That’s where boundaries come in. They aren’t barriers; they’re your invisible energetic framework that keeps you grounded, authentic, and at peace.
What Are Boundaries, Really?
A boundary is a personal guideline or limit you set to stay rooted in your own power neither giving it away nor exerting it over someone else.
It’s the space where you can “play in your own sandbox” and still stay in harmony with others.
Think of them as guidelines that help you say ‘yes’ to what truly matters and ‘no’ to what depletes you. Boundaries are about YOUR behavior and what YOU will accept, not about making others behave differently.
The Forms of Boundaries
Physical
Pertaining to physical contact and personal space.
What they protect: Your body, personal space, physical comfort, and who touches you
Holiday examples:
- You decide whether you’re comfortable with hugs, kisses, or handshakes
- You need personal space even in a crowded house
Signs of healthy physical boundaries: You feel comfortable saying “I prefer not to hug,” or leaving a crowded room when you need space.
Mental
Pertaining to your thoughts, beliefs, and emotions.
What they protect: Your thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and right to disagree
Holiday examples:
- You don’t have to debate politics at the dinner table
- Your parenting choices are yours to make
- Your religious or spiritual beliefs are your own
Signs of healthy mental boundaries: You can maintain your beliefs even when others disagree. You can state “I prefer not to discuss that topic right now.” You don’t feel pressured to defend your opinions or change them to keep the peace.
Energetic
Pertaining to self-esteem, energetic flow, sense of identity and intuition.
What they protect: Your energetic flow, time, capacity to give, and sense of self
Holiday examples:
- You know your limits for social events and honor them
- You protect your time and don’t overcommit
- You stay grounded in your sense of self even in family dynamics that try to define you
Signs of healthy energetic boundaries: You can say “I can help with cooking OR hosting, but not both.” You don’t feel guilty for needing downtime. You’re able to consciously take the time to fill your cup.
When Boundaries Are Unclear
You might notice yourself:
- Going against your values to please others.
- Over-giving or rescuing.
- Letting others define you.
- Feeling guilty for saying no.
- Staying silent when mistreated.
When someone crosses a boundary, your brain’s amygdala perceives it as a threat, triggering fight, flight, or freeze. Over time, this creates stress-hormone overload and that means anxiety, fatigue, and loss of self-trust.
Why Healthy Boundaries Matter
They help you:
- Feel safe and grounded.
- Communicate who you truly are.
- Model healthy behavior for others.
- Preserve your energy for what truly matters.
Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away, they’re about staying connected to yourself while in relationship with others.
Types of Boundaries
Not all boundaries function the same way. Understanding these different types helps you recognize your patterns and make intentional choices.
Soft
Easily manipulated, overshadowed by others.
What this looks like: Your boundaries are flexible to the point of being almost nonexistent. You frequently bend your limits based on others’ needs or external pressure. You have difficulty saying no, and others can easily talk you out of your boundaries.
Example: “I said I couldn’t host Thanksgiving, but then my mom seemed disappointed, so I agreed to do it even though I’m overwhelmed.”
When it’s appropriate: Soft boundaries can work in relationships with high trust and mutual respect, where both people honor each other’s needs. The thing to highlight here is that it’s a choice, not a default, because you’re afraid to be firmer.
The risk: Soft boundaries can become too permeable. You end up overextending yourself, and people may take advantage of your flexibility.
Spongy
Inconsistent, soft at times, rigid at other times, uncertain about what to let in or not, or how to communicate them.
What this looks like: Sometimes you enforce your boundaries, sometimes you don’t. Your response depends on your mood, how guilty or afraid you feel, or how much pressure someone applies. This creates confusion, for you and for others.
Example: “Sometimes I let my sister borrow money, sometimes I don’t. It depends on how guilty I feel when she asks. She never knows what my answer will be, and honestly, neither do I.”
The problem: Spongy boundaries are unpredictable. Others don’t know what to expect from you. You don’t trust yourself because your boundaries shift constantly. This prevents healthy relationship patterns from forming.
What you need: Clarity about your actual limits and consistency in enforcing them.
Rigid
Inflexible, non-negotiable walls. It may protect you, but it can also isolate you.
What this looks like: You have firm rules that never bend, regardless of circumstances. You keep people at a distance. You have difficulty allowing intimacy or closeness. You may refuse help even when you need it.
Example: “I never discuss personal matters with anyone, ever. I don’t let people visit my home. I don’t accept help from others.”
When it develops: Rigid boundaries often develop after trauma or repeated boundary violations. They’re a protective mechanism; if no one gets close, no one can hurt you.
The challenge: While rigid boundaries can protect you in the short term, they prevent authentic connection long-term. You’re safe, but you’re also isolated.
The goal: Learning to have boundaries that protect without isolating. Developing discernment about who is safe to let in and how much.
The Goal: Flexible but Firm
Healthy boundaries are clear and consistent, but not rigid. You maintain your limits, but you can adjust in special circumstances when it aligns with your values. You protect yourself without isolating yourself.
The goal isn’t perfection, that’s an unrealistic goal. It’s flexibility rooted in self-respect.
How to Set Boundaries
Here’s the practical process for setting boundaries, especially during the holidays:
Step 1: Identify Your Limits
Get clear on what you need. Ask yourself:
- What makes me uncomfortable, resentful, or drained?
- Where do I feel taken advantage of?
- What do I need more of? Less of?
- What are my non-negotiables this holiday season?
Write down your answers. This clarity is essential. In my example above, I wanted to create some internal family traditions, manage the energy and time we expended, and keep a connection with our extended family.
Step 2: Communicate Clearly
Use direct, simple language. Here’s the formula:
- Use “I” statements
- Be direct but kind
- Don’t over-explain or justify
- Offer an alternative when possible
Template: “I’m not able to [action], but I can [alternative].”
Examples:
- “I’m not able to host Christmas this year, but I’d be happy to bring a dish to your gathering.”
- “I can visit on Saturday, but I’ll need to leave by 6 PM.”
- “My budget for gifts is $25 per person this year.”
Step 3: Stay Consistent
Expect pushback, especially if boundaries are new for you. People who benefited from your lack of boundaries may resist.
Your job: Don’t negotiate yourself down. Repeat your boundary calmly if needed. “As I mentioned, I’m not able to do that.” You do not need to offer a lengthy explanation.
Step 4: Follow Through
Your boundary doesn’t mean anything without action. If someone crosses your boundary, enforce the consequence you stated.
Example: “If you bring up politics at dinner, I’ll leave the table.” Then, actually leave the table if they do it.
This builds trust, most importantly, in yourself and also in the relationship.
Step 5: Manage Guilt
Guilt and some discomfort is normal when setting new boundaries. You’re changing patterns, and that feels uncomfortable.
Here’s what to remember:
- Guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong
- The discomfort usually decreases with practice
- People who genuinely care about you will adjust
- You’re not responsible for managing others’ disappointment
The discomfort will pass. Your well-being is worth the temporary discomfort.
Holiday Boundary Scripts
Here’s actual language you can use for common holiday situations:
“I appreciate the invitation, but I won’t be able to make it this year.” (No explanation needed. If pressed: “It just doesn’t work for us this year.”)
“Our budget for gifts is $X per person. I’m also happy to do a family gift exchange instead.”
“I’m happy to attend dinner, but I’ll need to leave by [time].”
“I prefer not to discuss [politics/my personal life/that topic] during the holidays.” (If they push: “I’m not going to engage on this topic. Let’s talk about something else.”)
“I can help with [specific task], but I’m not able to take on more than that.”
“I need some quiet time. I’m going to step away for a bit.”
“That doesn’t work for me.” (This is a complete sentence. You don’t owe an explanation.)
“I understand you’re disappointed. I’m still not able to do that.”
“I love you, and my answer is no.”
Practice these out loud. They’ll feel more natural when you actually need them.
Boundary Derailment: Your Early Warning Signs
Two emotions signal that you’ve let go of your boundaries:
Discomfort and resentment.
Ask yourself:
- What about this interaction feels off?
- Where am I giving away my power?
- What am I expecting that I’m not communicating?
Resentment often appears when you’re over-giving out of guilt or fear and/or allowing someone else’s expectations to override your own needs.
Common Stumbling Blocks
- Fear of conflict or rejection
- Thinking boundaries are selfish
- Unclear values or priorities
- Chronic people-pleasing
- Low self-esteem or confusion
- Family or cultural conditioning
You can’t set good boundaries if you don’t know where you stand. Start by identifying your physical, emotional, and spiritual limits, what’s okay, and what isn’t.
Reflection Prompts
Take a quiet moment and ask yourself:
- Is this relationship reciprocal?
- Does this add to or drain my well-being?
- Is it aligned with my top values?
- Am I proud of who I am when I say yes?
- What changes when I start saying no?
Start with small, low-risk boundaries first. Each time you do, your nervous system learns safety and your confidence grows.
Integration Practice
Identify one physical, one mental, or one energetic boundary you’d like to strengthen.
Reflect on:
- What is it?
- What’s your limiter (what’s not acceptable)?
- Where does it show up (home, work, relationships)?
- How can you communicate it clearly?
Boundaries are fluid; as you grow, they evolve with you. They’re an act of love, for yourself and for those around you.
You can create the space where your energy can flow freely and your relationships can thrive authentically. It isn’t always easy, particularly in the beginning, when others may be resistant to changing an existing dynamic.
This holiday season, give yourself the gift of staying grounded, saying no when needed, and protecting your peace as fiercely as you share your heart.
Be Inspired,
Cathy